HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
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Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.