The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*