Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
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Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die