Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
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Friday
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride