During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Autocorrect completely socks
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Blew my mind.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.