I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.