My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
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“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
me and who
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead