Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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Me: Same
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible