I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
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HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
a public service announcement