hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it