I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I have a black belt in leather
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I am never leaving this website
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*