I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
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I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.