“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.