Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
You Might Also Like
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.