I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
When you kidnap a writer.
This is a whole mood;