Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
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All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
This anagram machine is out of order.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
no one likes gloating
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I love the honesty
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.