A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
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Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.