After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
The old gods are rising again.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop