me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
You Might Also Like
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Free him
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.