Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
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This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.