[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
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guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
When you kidnap a writer.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?