I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
So glad we cleared that up
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
And that about sums it up.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*