*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?