I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Taliband
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?