HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
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[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.