What’s this sorcery? 😂
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt