Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
jesus, what did this guy do
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.