I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
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[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
#Thanos #MondayMood
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
went fishing caught a bass
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*