My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
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Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
much to think about
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf