Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
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Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?