The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Thinking about Jeff
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.