Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
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My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
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Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about