Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
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One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know