Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
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[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.