Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
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Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.