me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
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Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Who knew!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire