I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”