I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
The Birdles
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”