Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
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I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Accurate
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?