Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
umm…
A wise man once said nothing.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.