sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
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Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.