Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
This is why I hate group projects
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Ah..makes sense now
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant