When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.