shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
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I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms