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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
He a real one for that
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.