Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
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Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes