me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.