If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
sir, my pâté if you please
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Nigella has gone too far this time.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light