From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
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Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Seas the day!!!!
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”