Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
You Might Also Like
3% human
97% stress
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
🛁
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*